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Hey Guyz This Is My New Jokes Column...U Can Find The Worst To The Best Jokes Here
Hey Look At These My Newer Versions Of Those Lame Poemz
Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses,
And all the King's men,
Ate scrambled egg for two weeks.
Jack Be Nimble
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candlestick.
Jack! Your pants are on fire!
Mary And Her LittLe Lamb(1)
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went,
She stepped in lamb poop.
Hickory Dickory Dock
Hickory dickory dock,
Two mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
But the other one got away.
Little Miss Tuffet
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey,
When along came a spider,
That sat down beside her,
And said: what's in the bowl, blondie?
Mary Had A Little Lamb(2)
Mary had a little lamb,
A little bread and a little jam,
A little pie and a little cake,
Then Mary had a stomach ache.
Cross Roads
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Duh! To Get To The Other Side
Why Did The Chewing Gum Cross The Road?
It Was On The Chickens Leg
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Playground?
To Get To The Other Slide...
Why Did The StarFish Cross The Road?
To Get To The Other Tide
Why Did The Fox Cross The Road?
To Get To The Chicken
Why Did The Deer Cross The Road?
It Was The Chickens Day Off,So The Deer Was The Reliever
Why Did The T-Rex Cross The Road?
Because The Chicken Hadnt been Evolved Yet
Things To Say When You dont Like Your Gifts
10. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
9. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.
8. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6. Well, well, well...
5. I really don't deserve this.
4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
2. Sadly, tomorrow, I enter the federal witness protection program.
1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
Actual Skool Ekscuses
12. Please excuse my son for being absent yesterday, because there is a river in our house.
11. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
10. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
9. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
8. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
6. Chris will not be in shcool cus he has an acre in his side.
5. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
4. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrheea and his boots leak.
3. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we fouind it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
2. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
and last but not least...
1. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot!
Wurlds Easiest Quiz.............Ya Right
Below, you'll find the questions that might just make up the world's easiest quiz... But, be careful... Giving correct answers is far harder than you think! Enjoy! -- SuMaIr
You can find the answers at the very end!
The Questions...
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
The Answers...
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936, he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty years of course from 1618 to 1648!
Taking Stupidity To New Levelz
Let's face it; some of us have about a room temperature IQ and are about one handle short of a suitcase or one pearl short of a necklace. No matter how you want to say it, some people just aren't too bright.
As you'll soon see, these "masterminds" take stupidity to new heights when they steal, cause trouble, and go about their lives. Thanks, and enjoy! -- Sumair :-)
Things Dumb People Have Done ...
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
3. A young teller was new to the job when she was approached by her first robber. Noticing that the man's grammar was not the greatest, the teller figured that the would be criminal was slightly slow. She told the robber that he had to have an account to rob a bank. Disappointed, the man left.
4. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
5. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
6. A criminal who broke into a couple's house started to take the TV, but instead he turned it on and began to watch. He supposedly liked the program that was on and laid down on the bed. Since it was at night he was tired and fell asleep. So when the couple came home the next day they found him and called the police.
7. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
8. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
9. David Posman, 33, was arrested in Providence, Rhode Island, after knocking out an armored car driver and stealing four bags of money. Each bag contained $800 dollars. However, the bags weighed thirty pounds each since they all contained pennies. The hefty bags slowed the fleeting criminal to a sluggish stagger. Police easily ran down and arrested the suspect.
10. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
11. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
and last but not least...
12. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks,
"Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your
toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"Okay," says the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great
long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips
through the desert."
"Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got
these great big humps on my back??"
His mother replies impatiently, "They are there to help us store water
for our long treks across the desert."
"That's great Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long
eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store
water, but Mom..."
"Yes, son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the
telephone when it rang.
"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of
ten, it's for you!"
A man was interviewing for a job. The interviewer said, "In this job we
need someone who is responsible."
"I'm the one you want," the man replied. "At my last job every time
anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
It was the day of the big sale. A long line had formed by opening time.
A man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back,
amid shouts. On the man's second attempt, he was knocked around and then
thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got ready for a third try, he said to the person at the end of
the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open
the store!"
Queen Elizabeth, Clinton & Sharoon died & went straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England, I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there.
She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million dollars"
She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
Clinton was soo jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars"
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.
Sharoon was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call Israil too, I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody of my Parliment".....
He called Israil and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Twenty dollars".
Sharoon is stunned & says "Twenty dollars??? Only ??"
The devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local".
How to get kicked out of chemistry class......
How to Get Kicked Out of Chemistry Class!
As always, do not try any of the following in real life!
9. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
8. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Write on the board - "Picnic Today" and then when your classmates arrive, begin toasting marshmallows over the bunsen burner.
3. Pour glycerin on all of the counters, and watch the equipment and chemical bottles slide off as they are used in your classmates' experiments
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
and last but not least...
1. Carry a small vile of water and tell everyone that you have the secret to invisibility in there. Place the bottle down and pretend not to be watching it very carefully.
